Sunday, 13 November 2011

Im Digging Deep It Must be My Birthday

So today is my 31st birthday 31 years on this earth,birthdays (Mostly my own but the childrens too) always get me thinking reflecting on my life so far have i lived the best life i could, could i be doing better as a parent as a partner as a person? You know as you do when age gets thrown in your face by something like a birthday not that i mind getting older it will happen weather i like it or not. Though i do feel thats it gone by too fast for now i dont mind getting older (ask me again when im about to turn 40 and i might feel a little different) because for me i know it means im wiser and i can use to my advantage what life has taught me so far.

I want to be the best me i can be but somedays that just gets lost in all the hoopla of everyday life. Something you should know about me im more judgemental of myself than anyone or anything else in my life my whole world in fact ,it has never really bothered me what other people thought of me though as i was always far harder on myself than anyone else can be or has been.Unreasonable? Of course but guilt does'st listen to reason when you impose the guilt on yourself like its an olympic event.

Yes this can make me hard to live with becuase i expect alot from myself i tend to expect that those close to me expect alot of themselves and it frustrates me greatly to see them not even try but also fills me with pride when the confidence they have pushes them on and know that i helped instill that in them. I need to stop the guilt and judgement about stupid things i should have just let go and give myself credit for everything i have achieved, after all i have 4 beautiful children and a man who loves me for me. My life is not terrible and there is millions of people with problems much greater than my own.So yes i can let myself embrace my positives by taking back the power i have focused on my negatives.

The answers to the questions i asked myself though is probably not and suprisingly im ok with that because.....    
                     1 I am not nor will i ever be perfect
                     2 I dont have all the answers
                     3 It means i have something to keep working towards.
                     4 I know for the most part i have always done the best i could at the
                     5 Sometimes to learn the right way first you must be wrong.

I always wanted to be a mum, i just knew i being a mother would be a major part of life for me but becoming one especially as a teenage really bought my self judgement to another level. We have all heard judgements, comment, opinions about teen mums none of them particularly great but right or wrong its the way things are its my personal opinion that there are good and bad mothers of every age and pigeon holing a whole section of people is just not how i roll.

I was determined to do it my way from using cloth nappies,never used a dummy or pacifier ( i happen to think that babies look pretty cute with them and i dont judge any mother or parent who chooses to use them i just put so much pressure on myself to be all my baby needed that they were unacceptable to me), we never used  baby talk,i did'nt  go partying or palm my baby off every chance i got cause i was to busy being a teenager i took on motherhood like a mission!  Now i would never have won mother of the year the cloth nappies lasted all of 6 months till i never used them again in teenage time thats alot now it goes by so quick im left wondering where does the time go, i focused so much on my life as a mum and partner that i let the rest of me fall by the wayside for a really long time.I have made my share of mistakes now i want to use what i know to stop making the same ones after all theres plenty more i have'nt even got to yet.

 I let freindships go that meant alot to me not knowing how much i would come to miss them or that today it would be an issue i still have not resolved i find it hard to not only make friends but keep them im socially annorexic i have starved myself of close girlfriends and freindships for so long i see myself doing it i just can't seem to stop even though i want so bad too. I want those sort of relationships back with girlfriends i could share anything with and they would listen from a place of love not obligation i in return being that friend for them.

I'm greatful for Mr maze when it comes to this he is a social butterfly we can never  go anywhere without seeing at least one person he knows he makes friends easily, can talk the leg of a chair to just about anyone and showed the kids its great to have friends, they manage well on the freind front most of the time but i do wonder if i have made it seem to them that being a mother means that thats all you are. With 3 daughters that certainly is not the message i want them to have i want them to enjoy a full life that motherhood be a part of if they chose but not the whole thing. I know i want to try be a women all my children look up too not seen as just their mum and thats it. Don't get me wrong being their mum is super important it fills my heart so to be the best i want to be for them i need more for me!

I set out to the best job at this mummy gig as i could,as i'm sure every mum does, 13+ years and 3 more children i'm still trying to do the best i can everyday theres a new challenges i am yet to face, more lessons to learn and more mistakes i will make. Thats parenthood! Hey thats life,  We learn as we go but if i can let my self judgement help instead of hinder, instead of guilting myself about what i could or should have done different let myself feel proud about what i have achieved, the good i have done and accept that perfection is not attainable in real life its for magazines and shows where everyones problems are solved in 30 minutes, i just have to let myself be happy with my best.

You know the quote from Alice In Wonderland "I give myself very good advice but i very seldom follow it" as i get older i do wonder why i did'nt listen to my own advice,to that inner voice that could have saved me more than just a few tears to say the least. Why did'nt i trust myself enough to know that i knew the best for me. The answer im giving myself the past is done and can't be changed but my furture is what i make it i know what i want i want to acheive and will strive to get there because i now know doing the best thing for my children, my family is doing the best for myself being a woman with a full life not just mum in a life thats full.

I know i wont change overnight and that these thoughts are just a scratch on the surface but i do think starting this blog is a step in the right direction to reconnecting to myself aswell as other people. Sorry for getting so heavy on a sunday, if i rambled on or it does'nt make sense but its my birthday and i believe i have just given myself the go ahead to relax and thats just what im going to do.

Maybe someone out feels the same and wants to let me know im not alone? Maybe you have some advice or words of wisdom to help me reach this goal or you just want to tell me what you think about on your birthday whatever it is i'm all ears. Have a great sunday :0)

1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean about being "socially anorexic", I find it challenging to make friends, too. What a great phrase! Sounds like you're a fantastic Mum, and I hope you get to relax today. Happy Birthday! xx